I often hear both husbands and wives complain/tease/regret how much emotional input women need and how little men give.  I think what we are noticing here is a profound difference in the sexes.  I know, I know, I am not supposed to say that men and women are different, but this is just plain true.

It doesn’t matter how tough women want to be, how sensitive men can be: there is a profound difference in the way our psyche works.  I am sure there are exceptions, but I am going to go ahead and make the hated generalizations anyway.

Wives need a lot of emotional stimulus to remind us how important we are to our husbands, how loved and appreciated.  We want him to show us that we are necessary to him and that he cares about our emotioanl well-being through open acceptance of our feelings and genuine listening.  Guys: most of the time this does NOT mean we want you to fix the problem.  I know that is insane.  I know that most men are hard-wired to identify and fix a problem.  I know that you are trying to show your wife that you love her by offering helpful suggestions on how she can change things for the better.  And I know that you are symied and baffled when she gets angry and accuses you of not listening and not caring.  Maybe your wife is just nuts?

Yes, maybe we are nuts.  But when it comes to our feelings knowing that you love us and accept us EXACTLY how we are is what matters.  When you are gentle, loving, accepting of my feelings, even the hurt/sad/angry ones, I see that I mean more to you than a set of problems you can fix.  Instead of feeling like I am a problem for you, I see myself as important to you.

I believe that in ages past this situation was not as common as it is today.  In past times women kept company with other women.  Mothers, sisters, aunts all lived within fairly close proximity to one another and the ladies spent a lot of time and energy persuing their “womanly arts” together.  And while they did that tatting, they were talking.  Comiserating.  Allowing their vulnerable emotional needs to be met by those other women.

Today, women are often in the workplace and trying to fit into a more masculine worldview.  Even women who stay at home are not often surrounded by other women (after all there is just too much to do).  So those same emotional needs that were once met by other women now fall primariily to our husbands.  We not only want emotional support from our man, we NEED it.  We can’t maintain our balance without it.

Papasully has learned this fabulous trick that I think you should try.  The very next time your wife needs to download emotionally, just LET her.  Don’t try to fix it, offer advice, or make her feel better.  Just hold her close.  Ask her questions about her feelings (things like “I can see you are really hurt/angry/elated/etc.   do you think that your feeling is like the time that… name a similar feeling you both may have experienced).  But most important:  look her in the eyes and tell her “I love you” and “I am so glad that you chose to trust me with your feelings.”

Note for the duncecap: this is NOT the way to handle it if she is mad at you!  THAT is a different lesson.